Week 40: Bubbles by Candlelight (Surrender)

Progress update: as of today, 3cm dilated and 70% effaced, not too much more than two weeks ago.  We postponed induction from Wednesday to Thursday night so long as the ultrasound on Wednesday is not too dire.  A week ago Bubble was estimated to weigh 9.6lbs so even I agree that waiting much past the 41st week may be a mistake.  Thank you for closing your eyes and asking Bubble to make it on her own.  I think she hears us.  I also think dancing naked in the moonlight and taking hot baths are the two most amusing non-unpleasant induction techniques I've seen recommended that I am capable of doing without Brian's help.  Last night I took a bath by candlelight (as I do every night) and was blowing bubbles from a bubble wand (as I do whenever I have a wave) when I realized very few people have seen how gorgeous bubbles by candlelight are, so I got out of the bathtub, dried off, and set up the camera on the toilet seat.  With my left hand I held the bubble wand to my lips and with my right I clicked the camera; here's what I got.  The candle is the last of my Mom's candles and it started out a foot high and has seen me through many baths, so it seemed appropriate to ensconce it in art.

Bubble: Today when I got to the center of the labyrinth after the blood test at the hospital the request in my mind surprised me; instead of the "Please let this baby come to me soon" that I'd planned on, the prayer that formed instead was "Please give me the strength to wait for my child."  All of my life I have navigated difficulties by taking initiative, by thinking and planning and strategically manipulating variables -- so this last month of discomfort and frustration I have stepped up to bat with everything I am, my heart and nerve and sinew, but the strategies that have defined me elsewhere have left me with nothing but compounded discomfort and frustration.  I have tried enough induction techniques to have convinced myself utterly that no action on my part can hasten your arrival; I have dealt with discomfort by hours of rigorous self-hypnosis and relaxation practice, but still the deep strong tenderness that grips me in waves can make me cry out.

I surrender.  Your birth will be your birth, and I am waiting as long as I can so you have the chance to do it your way.  This is very difficult to do because I know that at any moment I can end the constant tension and suspense by asking for an induction, to which they will agree because you are so big that if I saw a doctor instead of midwives I would likely have been pressured to induce you before now.  It is difficult to wait for you when every instant is stressful, tiring, and full of aching, and when I know my decision not to end this may be in vain anyway, since it's only a matter of days before I have to induce no matter what.

Bubble, I love you, and this is my first act of respect for you as the person you want to be: you have the most time I can safely give you to come on your own.  But please help me have the strength to keep waiting.  Every time I feel you move inside me I am reminded how precious it is to share my body with you.  I am deeply honored you have come to me, but until I look into your eyes I will not feel safe and certain that you are mine.